I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
