The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
