I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
