the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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