i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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