I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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