Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
