Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
