did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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