Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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