I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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