if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
