this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
