I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
