Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
