u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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