Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
