I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
