I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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