Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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