if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
