The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
