this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
