i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
