Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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