At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
