her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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