Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You made out with two different species that night
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
