I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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