my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
