I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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