mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she woke up with a sticky ear
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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