Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
