I wish I only lived at night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
