Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
