i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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