That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
