Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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