: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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