I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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