i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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