he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
