I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
