Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
