if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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