I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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