All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
