You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
