im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
