I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
