the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
